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I look into the mirror

I look into my soul

I try to find something to hold on to,

'Cuz I feel I've lost control

I don't see any beauty,

I don't see anything worthwhile

All I see is a monster,

a stupid, ugly child

I tear myself apart inside

Punish myself for supposed crimes

I lie each day, when asked if I'm doing well

As long as I wear long sleeves, I guess I can hide,

but when I see my arms, when I see my wrists
I feel disgusting

I feel absolutely worthless

And I don't think I can make it,

I hunger for this pain

Beautiful Agony that lets me become human again

Being told I'm worthless

Is nothing new to me

And being asked “what's wrong with you?”

“Are you stupid?””Are you dumb?”

I want to yell, I want to scream

Because you've never, ever understood me

Why would you do that, it's not right, it's not okay

I look down to my friend, the floor,

I do this everyday

I'm sorry for being stupid,

I'm sorry that I'm fat,

I'm sorry I'm not perfect,

Everyone else seems to be

I used to wonder why I wasn't liked,

but the games became so old

I will not give it any thought

I couldn't tell you when he hit me

I couldn't tell you I was scared

I could never tell you what he did,

'cuz, Mommy, you weren't there

Do you know what he did to me?

Do you know what he took?

I do

Laying on the filthy floor,

The dirty seeping in,

Mommy, he molested me

And you didn't even know,

And the next one after that?

He sure put me in my place,

told me things I believe today,

“You don't deserve to live, you stupid, ugly Thing.

Why should you?

Everything you do is wrong

Everything you do is worthless”

Mommy, do you know what it's like

to look into the mirror and not see a human staring back?

I guess it's just me then...

I cry at night,

'cuz every night I see

his face

looking down at me

It's all becoming too much

Those kids at school,

they all laugh and make fun

because I'm not worthy of their presence

I take what they give

I deserve it

don't I?

They hit me too, Mommy

they throw me to the ground

they hit and kick

But I won't make a sound

I want to get up,

the gravel isn't so pleasant to lay on,

but if I do,

it's another invitation, to go another round

And I couldn't take that

I just won't survive

Then he came along,

that dirty piece of trash you loved so much

He snaked his way into my mind

He saw the things I tried to hide

He used me

I was His little doll,

if He was angry,

I was His rook

something He could sacrifice

something easily let go

He's the one who taught me

how to hurt myself

how to hide those cuts

how to hide my shame

If I just smile

no one will ever know the difference

I suppose it's all fine

If I were loved too much

But if I were to act happy,

who in the world would care?